So this week’s post is going to be a little deep, so if you get effected by this please don’t continue. Just a little warning before we get started because I don’t want to upset any of you with this, it’s just something I’ve wanted to speak about for a while.
This is (hopefully) going to turn into a series which I sit down and talk (well, type) stuff that I want to get off my chest or if any of you guys have stuff you want me to talk about, let me know. These posts will be a bit longer than usual because I tend to go off and ramble for ages. Let’s go!
Why anxiety and paranoia?
Well purely because I have both, but only minor. As of writing this I’ve had two full on panic attacks (both caused by stress from things going on at school).
Paranoia for me, personally, is when, at times, I feel like I’m being followed or watched, and then at night, I get this feeling that there is something out there, in the darkness, watching and waiting. That’s why I used to be terrified of the dark and I would never sleep without the hall light on and my door open, and I would never put my arm or leg out from under the duvet (even if it’s really warm). I’ve gotten over the fear of the dark almost completely but I still get that sense that there’s something there. I usually feel like I’m being followed is when I’m either walking up the stairs, in the dark, or walking down the hall, in the dark. I’m slowly getting over it but I feel like it’s something that will stay with me for a long time.
So now on to anxiety. I don’t get panic attacks often, but when I do, boy, are they scary. I got my first one back in February when the “problems” were at their peak. I was in the car in a carpark (my mam was in the shop) and it just hit me like a truck. You can click here to see a small description of my first panic attack. The second one came about a month or so later. The “problems” were still going. So here’s a quick rundown of the situation, we were about to head back into class after lunch when I got really bad cramps (side-note: I was on my period for about two days at this point) and I’m leaning up against the wall on the verge of tears when a teacher comes over to me and asks me if I’m okay. I say yeah and then when she’s gone I sprint into the bathroom and have my panic attack. It was scary as fuck and then when I walk back into class, everyone stares at me as I walk back in. I wanted to die.
Oh dear! This is nearly 600 words now so I’m going to leave it there before I go any further. Let me know if there’s anything specific you want me to talk about on this little series.
Eh…what’s the announcement?
Oh, right! Before I forget, posts will be going down to one a week because I’m contemplating something very exciting that will take me a while and will cost me a good bit of money so I’m still thinking about it but it might be happening in the next few months!
Thank you all so much for your continued support and I will see you next time!